Christmas is two weeks from tomorrow. Since I'll be spending the holiday here in Chicago, I'll have to ship my family's gifts home to Arkansas several days in advance, which means I need to finish my shopping, like, yesterday. I've barely gotten started. Here are the nine people on my list:
Last week she sent my sisters and me an email saying that she doesn't want any presents this year because she doesn't want to be a bother and, besides, she has plenty of Christmas memories that are far better than anything that can be purchased. But no way am I falling for that one. I mean, first I gave her postpartum depression, then I turned out gay, and now I can't even spring for a lousy Christmas gift once a year? Nuh-uh. No way. Not happening.
Always the hardest person to buy for, mostly because he remains a mystery to me. This tends to result in expensive yet impersonal gifts of the sort you'd give a valued employee. A fruit basket isn't completely out of the question.
My youngest sister
I drew her name in the annual Sibling Gift Exchange, whose participants are me, my sisters, and our significant others. This year, the exchange has a theme for the first time: Locally Made or Grown. Fortunately, the Reader puts out an all-local gift guide every December. I picked something out from that issue.
I always get her a book. For 2014 I'm thinking a nice illustrated edition of Pinocchio.
He's 6. I'd like to buy him a toy that's nonviolent, non-gendered, and educational, but I'm telling you right now, if it gets down to the wire, I'll grab the first Li'l Misogynist junior rifle I can find.
She's a baby. I got her a stuffed chipmunk (not a real one, obviously) wearing a tutu (is that too gendered?).
Grandma and Grandpa
I usually get them a Walmart gift card. I know it's not politically correct, but it's where they shop and, frankly, you're exhausting. My grandpa underwent chemo and radiation this summer, so I'd like to get him something more special than the usual, but what? Two Walmart gift cards?
What he needs is a new laundry hamper. Earlier this year, however, we discovered that his Love Language is Receiving Gifts, and I just don't think a hamper will make him feel sufficiently adored. Do you think maybe I should have him take the Love Languages quiz again? Maybe Words of Affirmation would win this time, and I could get away with signing a thoughtful Hallmark card and be done with it.