3.20.2011
Well, my debut as a regular contributor to ABC-7's 190 North didn't go quite as auspiciously as I had hoped. It was a special episode broadcast live (unfortunately) from the Chicago Tribune newsroom. Chris Jones and I were supposed to do our segment, "He Said, He Said," by his desk after host Janet Davies wandered over with a cameraman to ask some preliminary questions and announce me as Hedy Weiss's official replacement. The intro went fine: Janet detailed my past experience as a freelance critic and my previous day job as a server for Starving Artists Catering. All was proceeding according to plan until Janet suddenly got it into her giant, hairspray-reinforced head to go off book.
"Before we get to our theater segment this week," she said into the camera, her customary prom queen smile frozen in place, "we should address some unfinished business regarding our newest contributor's predecessor."
And I of course put on my sad face and turned to Chris, wondering how many minutes of airtime Janet was willing to piss away on his grieving husband routine. But to my surprise, she asked me for my thoughts.
"Well . . . of course it's all very sad," I said, caught off guard. "I mean, first the murder of Mary Schmich, then Hedy's arrest, then Hedy's escape to God-knows-where. It's a tragedy, a true tragedy. Much like our first show under review this evening, Bye Bye, Birdie."
"I know you've followed the case closely," Janet's eerie smile said, ignoring my attempted segue. "When you first appeared on this show as a fill-in critic in January, you had lots of questions for Chris about the case--the serving tray used to bonk Mary over the head, the tutu elastic used to strangle her."
"Well, I've always been something of a true crime buff," I said. "I hope my questions didn't overstep any lines."
"Not an iota," Chris replied, clearly grateful to be saying anything. "Despite the age-old adage that curiosity killed the cat, I have always been of the opinion that that inquisitive feline got, to speak in the vernacular, a raw deal. In fact--"
"Yes, but what I'd like to hear," Janet pressed on, as unyielding as her coif, "is how you knew those details in the first place."
"What do you mean?" I returned. "Everyone has heard about the elastic. It's a very memorable murder weapon."
"I don't mean that," she smiled. "I mean the serving tray."
And then somehow all air got sucked out of the room at once.
"I must have read it somewhere," I said.
"Yes, I thought so too. But the funny thing is, the serving tray didn't appear in any of the news reports. In fact, it couldn't have because the police didn't even know about it. They only knew Mary had been struck on the head, not that it had been with a serving tray."
"Uh . . .," I said, or something equally eloquent.
"Just out of curiosity," she said, her smile not budging an inch, "do you happen to know who catered the Trib Halloween party where Mary Schmich got offed?"
"I'm sure I don't," I said.
"Oh, but I think you do," she said. "Starving Artists Catering. Your previous employer. And do you know that when the police interviewed the servers who worked the party that night, they couldn't get ahold of one of them?"
"You don't say," I said, beginning to scan the room for exits.
"Yes. A fellow who had only started the week before. Wore a disguise-like mustache and spoke with a cartoonish Spanish accent, his supervisor said. Disappeared shortly after the party. Turns out he had given a false name. The company didn't think much of it, given the high turnover in the business and the fondness undocumented immigrants have for the food service industry. But do you know what the missing server gave as his nom de waiter?"
I looked her right in the eye. "No."
"Pat Schnozom," she said. "Care to hazard a guess as to what that might be an anagram for?"
But I wasn't sticking around another second. I bolted for the door, pausing only long enough in my scuffle with some unarmed security guards to hear Chris say, "Wait a minute, I think he might be involved in Mary's murder somehow!"
NEXT TIME: The thrilling conclusion!
